I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?
I have a map of the United States… Actual size. It says, ‘Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.’ I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, ‘E6.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjá vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.