I know my vision is impaired and cannot be trusted with even the simplest tasks, much less dating. Not that Ive come within talon distance of a man.
Being left at the altar was not for sissies. Aside from the humiliation and hurt, there were actual logistics to worry about. Odds were if a guy was willing to leave you standing alone in front of three hundred of your closest friends and relatives, not to mention both your mothers, he wasn’t going to sweat the little stuff like returning the gifts and paying the caterer.
Once, a great handful of a girl out west told him – I never did love you. …How mean of her to salve her spit curled conscience by trying to take away their past! In the kitchen he had started to use those very words on Lou – they sprang readily to mind, as wounding words do – but he stopped himself.
How can I grieve what is still in motion?” I ask her. “Shoes are still dropping all over the place. Im not kidding,” I say. “Its Normandy out there.
I couldn’t love you for who you are because you showed me who you truly wanted to be, and I loved her more.
I remember one desolate Sunday night, wondering: Is this how Im going to spend the rest of my life? Marrid to someone who is perpetually distracted and somewhat wistful, as though a marvelous party is going on in the next room, which but for me he could be attending?
It seemed funny that one day I would go to bed in her arms and the next not feel anything, like a switch had gone off. But no, that wasn’t honest either. This had been building for a long time. Our silences were getting longer. Our arguments more frequent. How do you stay with someone when there are no dreams to build? No purpose to accomplish? No meaning? No meaning -that was the monster that drove us away from one another in the end. Always.
The actuality that the heart does not want to feel, doesn’t negate the certitude that it once felt and will still feel.
Always a trade. Always a compromise. Until there wasn’t anything left to bargain with, because neither one us had any clue what to do.
End of the Summer
It was end of the summer
And my heart was broken
but i was smiling, laughing, making jokes
Like there was nothing bleeding inside