After she was gone, I sheathed her sword at my belt, draped her cloak over my shoulders, carried her heart in my arms, and, somehow, went on.
Of course, it’s now obvious why he was so angry that day. People don’t move into hospice to live but to die. And that half an egg sandwich I ended up making him-that sandwich was the last meal he ate in our Haight-Ashbury apartment, our one true home.
I had no specific bent toward science until my grandfather died of stomach cancer. I decided that nobody should suffer that much.
[A]fter all, what does it mean for pain to be ‘memorable’? You’re either in pain or you’re not. And it isn’t the pain that one forgets. It’s the touching death part. As the baby might say to its mother, we might say to death: I forget you, but you remember me.
There are always two deaths, the real one and the one people know about.
Our dream of life will end as dreams do end, abruptly and completely, when the sun rises, when the light comes.
And starward drifts the stricken world,
Lone in unalterable gloom
Dead, with a universe for tomb,
Dark, and to vaster darkness whirled.
(“The Testimony of the Suns
Family will always kill you — some bit by bit, others all at once. It is the love that does it.
Any way I slice reality it comes out poorly, and I feel an urge to not exist, something I have never felt before; and now here it comes with conviction, almost panic. I mentally bless and exonerate anyone who has kicked a chair out from beneath her or swallowed opium in large chunks. My mind has met their environment, here in the void. I understand perfectly.
And if one day,’ she said, really crying now, ‘you look back and you feel bad for being so angry, if you feel bad for being so angry at me that you couldn’t even speak to me, then you have to know, Conor, you have to that is was okay. It was okay. That I knew. I know, okay? I know everything you need to tell me without you having to say it out loud.