I searched everywhere for love.
I knocked on every door
and turned over every stone.
But it was only until I returned home
that I found love
waiting for me.

again, her singing was her only absolute, the only thing that was completely her. a thousand classes hadn’t given her this concrete insight: her voice was her place in the world, the home she leaves in the morning and returns to at night, in which she can be herself in her entirety and hope to be loved for all that she is and in spite of all she is.

If we really believe what we say we believe- if we really think that home is elsewhere and that this life is a “wandering to find home”, why should we not look forward to the arrival. There are, aren’t there, only three things we can do about death: to desire it, to fear it, or to ignore it. The third alternative, which is the one the modern world calls “healthy” is surely the most uneasy and precarious of all.

You do see me crossing the meadow
stiff and dead from the mist?
I long for that home,
that home I’ve never had,
and without any hope
that I’ll ever be able to reach it.
For such a home, never touched,
I carry that longing that will
never die, like that meadow dies
stiff and dead from the mist.
You do see me crossing it, full of dread?

It had to be U. U. was the only town I could still bear, the one spot in the atlas I’d already absorbed head-on. When you take too many of your critical hits in one place, that place can no longer hurt you.

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